Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Struggles of Inspiration.

            I find it rather ironic…I used to be able to write anywhere, anytime.  I got a lot of writing done in classes in both college and while getting my Masters; my mind liked to be running at full-tilt and simply sitting and listening to instructors and professors lecture apparently didn’t occupy enough of my thought processes.  Instead of chewing gum or playing with my pen or texting on my phone or browsing non-relevant web pages like many of my fellow scholars did, I wrote.  Some of it was taking notes, sure, but most was my own work.

            Don’t get me wrong, writing didn’t keep me from paying attention.  Quite the opposite, in fact.

            I wrote a lot at work, too.  I would jot ideas down, write on my (very scare) breaks.  I would utilize any scrap of time I had to get just that little bit more down on paper.

            Now though…now I can’t seem to write even with long spans of unoccupied time to utilize.  I sit and stare at my computer screen, or at a piece of paper.  I’m tired all the time from working, volunteering, and maintaining my relationships, both with friends over the internet and family, local friends, and my boyfriend.  It’s like the creative part of my brain has shut off.

            This happens to writers.  It’s one of the causes of writer’s block.  It’s frustrating and depressing.

            When it hits, I wonder if I’ve lost the ability I had back in school to tap my creativity.  I get so bogged down in work and life I can’t properly focus on my passion for the craft.  I neglect characters (which honks some off, and causes others to fade out in disappointment or sulk and not talk to me).

            I discovered through National Novel Writing Month I can actually force inspiration out of pure desperation.  I don’t like to do that; it doesn’t feel like I write as well.

            It’s also hard to maintain the creativity and inspiration you need when you’re a chronic worrywart like I am.  With my job situation, the economy, and a multitude of other life worries at my age, it tends to suck the interest and creativity right out of me.

            It helps that I’ve been reading, but it doesn’t help that most of my to-read list is now at Grandma’s, further away than my overpriced storage locker.  I don’t know if the price of gas driving out there is worse than what I was paying.

            I have a little more time next week, which is both good and bad.  Good for me to try to focus on my writing and getting another goal checked off on my list for the year, but bad as it lowers my next paycheck.

            Everything combined keeps hitting me over the head with a huge faith lesson.  God and I have had trust issues for the past five years, due to the loss of a very precious relationship.  I know I’m being held back because of these trust issues.  God wants to make a huge point before we move on.

            I just hope we get it sorted out before I run out of job, funds, or places to live.

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